{"id":5938,"date":"2002-05-23T07:57:00","date_gmt":"2002-05-23T12:57:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/coolgrove.com\/press\/?p=5938"},"modified":"2023-10-29T08:49:40","modified_gmt":"2023-10-29T13:49:40","slug":"orourke","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/coolgrove.com\/books\/orourke\/","title":{"rendered":"O\u2019Rourke"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

another slop sink chronicle<\/em><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Kevin Bartelme <\/h2>\n\n\n\n

ISBN: 978-1-887276-18-4 \u2022 LIST PRICE $ 12.95<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

In a comic romp through New York, Mr. Bartelme chronicles the hilarious escapades and misadventures of a pair of tile setters, Robert O’Rourke and his assistant Maurice, as they ply their trade everywhere from the sewer to the penthouse.In a series of vignettes, O’Rourke and Maurice encounter a whole panoply of characters who variously amuse, entertain, and occasionally torment them as they work their way through the kitchens, bathrooms, lobbies, and foyers of the metropolis, trying to maintain a certain equilibrium in the most trying circumstances. As craftsmen, they are obliged to maintain certain standards but their clients keep getting in the way with loony designs, goofy histrionics, and plain bad taste, which O’Rourke and his assistant must suffer gladly. At least until the check clears.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

\u201cHilarious ! ” \u2014 Taylor Mead<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

EXCERPTS<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THE DATABASE \u2014 Chapter 9<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Master tile mason, Robert O’Rourke, and his assistant, Maurice, walked out of the elevator that had just borne them to the forty-fifth floor and looked up and down the deserted corridor. They each carried a canvas bag, one for tools, one for beer and potato chips. They had a long night ahead of them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI’ll be damned,\u201d said O’Rourke, \u201cbut I can’t remember whether it’s to the left or the right. There’s something inherently disorienting about high-rise architecture.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThere are only two choices,\u201d said Maurice. \u201cWe can’t go too far wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was a reasoned assumption and, indeed, they only went as far wrong as they could, making nearly one entire circuit of the floor before they came upon the offices of Media Clearinghouse Associates. O’Rourke pushed the buzzer. It took quite some time for a young woman in blue jeans and a T-shirt to open the door and scrutinize them with puzzlement and a little apprehension.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cCan I help you?\u201d she said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

O’Rourke stared at the slogan emblazoned across her breasts: BUY ART, NOT DRUGS. \u201cWell, I don’t know,\u201d he said. \u201cYou seem to have your priorities confused…\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWe’re here to do the bathroom floors,\u201d Maurice interjected quickly. \u201cWe’re the tile men.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh yes,\u201d said the young woman. \u201cCome in.\u201d She conducted them through a small reception area strewn with copies of Backstage and Advertising Age down another narrower corridor which turned to the left, then the right, then the left again before they reached the restrooms.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWe should have left a trail of tile shards,\u201d O’Rourke muttered. \u201cWe’ll never find our way out of here.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThere’s coffee in that room to the right,\u201d said the young woman.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat exactly is this place?\u201d said O’Rourke.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cComputers,\u201d said the young woman. \u201cThe mainframe’s right down the hall.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo, I mean, what sort of business do they do here?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo idea. Something to do with polls and surveys. I’m just a temp in the word processing pool.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAmazing,\u201d O’Rourke exclaimed after the young woman had taken her leave. \u201cPeople working through the night on mysterious projects in a windowless, fluorescent labyrinth five hundred feet in the air. No wonder television is so peculiar. It’s made for them.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWe’re the ones who are peculiar,\u201d said Maurice. \u201cThis is normal.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWell, at least they still piss and shit and look at themselves in the mirror. Shall we get started?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maurice reached into his bag and handed O’Rourke a tall can of Midnight Dragon Stout Malt Liquor. O’Rourke popped the top and took a long draught.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThey shall pay through the nose for this, by God! A special high altitude tax!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They had been working for a little longer than an hour, laying pink mosaic in the ladies’ room and discoursing on the merits of the Mexican mountains as opposed to the Mexican seashore, when they heard a commotion out in the corridor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDo I detect signs of life in the hall?\u201d said O’Rourke who was on his hands and knees under a sink. \u201dHold it down!\u201d he shouted. \u201cThere are people trying to sleep in here!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maurice poked his head out the door and saw two young women engaged in an agitated conversation down the corridor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt just erased the whole file! What am I going to do?!\u201d moaned one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt doesn’t erase anything unless you tell it to. It’s still in there somewhere. You’ve just got to figure out how to bring it back up,\u201d said the other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThey’re going to kill me!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou’re just wasting time you should be using to search for the file.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maurice left off his eavesdropping and turned back into the ladies’ room.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat’s going on out there?\u201d said O’Rourke.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe computer is misbehaving.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh really,\u201d said O’Rourke. \u201dThe computer is probably suffering from withdrawal and in no mood to cooperate with the minions of Media Clearinghouse Associates.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maurice laughed. \u201dMaybe I should bring it a beer.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cRight idea, wrong substance,\u201d said O’Rourke. \u201cDid I ever tell you about my friend Coriolanus Cheezowitz, one of the great, uncelebrated, master criminals of our time?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Just at that moment, the young woman with the computer problem walked into the room and was startled to see two men drinking beer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou’re not supposed to be in here,\u201d she said. \u201cThis is the ladies’ room.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDo we look like we can’t read?\u201d said O’Rourke. \u201cAs you can see, the floor is being tiled. They couldn’t find any lady setters so the job has devolved on our humble, albeit male, selves. If your business is urgent, I suggest you use the men’s room next door. Have you ever been in a men’s room? You may find the experience quite thrilling. Working in a ladies’ room certainly titillates me. How about you, Maurice?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAfter all the times I’ve done it,\u201d said Maurice, \u201cI still find it very arousing.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThere you go,\u201d said O’Rourke to the young woman. \u201cGive it a try. You just may enjoy it as much as we do.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhatever you say,\u201d said the young woman as she withdrew with a flirty smile.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou can never go wrong talking dirty to women,\u201d said O’Rourke. \u201cEven if they slap your face and call you an asshole. I think she liked you, Maurice. How would she describe the episode to her girlfriends? ‘I met this cutest guy in the ladies’ room last night. What a cool dude.’ Something like that.\u201d O’Rourke’s brow furrowed. \u201cWhat was I talking about before we were interrupted?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYour master criminal friend,\u201d said Maurice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh yes, Coriolanus Cheezowitz, the twisted genius of the Hoboken demimonde. When I first met Coriolanus he was an oil-burning junkie with a jones as long as the West Side Highway, cadging a few bucks from anyone he could and stealing the difference. His reputation preceded him like rolling ground fog. Everywhere he went, people fled in panic lest he contaminate them with his messianic babbling and his transparent cons. It hadn’t always been that way with Coriolanus though. He’d been one of those kids in school who are always fooling around with crystal sets and army surplus electronic junk. He’d read Norbert Weiner’s Cybernetics by the time he was fifteen and become a devoted enthusiast of control technology.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWho’s Nobert Weiner?\u201d Maurice asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMy God, Maurice, don’t you know anything? Do you mean to tell me you never heard of Norbert and his Weinermobile?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI thought that was Oscar Mayer.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cListen, you clod, if it wasn’t for Norbert Weiner there wouldn’t be any mainframe down the hall and the nuds who are paying us would be in another line of business. The man was the founding father of computer science.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI see,\u201d said Maurice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDon’t patronize me,\u201d said O’Rourke. \u201dThe arrogant ignorance exhibited by so many of your peers does not become you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI am chastened.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAnd I am thirsty. Throw me another beer.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maurice pulled another Midnight Dragon from his bag and tossed it to O’Rourke.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a92002 by Kevin Bartelme<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

 AUTHOR <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kevin BartelmeKevin Bartelme lives and works in New York City. He is the author of  O\u2019Rourke: another slopsink chronicle <\/em>and The Great Wall of New York<\/em>, and his latest, The Great Redstone<\/em>, all published by Cool Grove Press. He is currently putting together a collection of short stories.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n
\"\"
Kevim Bartelme<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

another slop sink chronicle Kevin Bartelme ISBN: 978-1-887276-18-4 \u2022 LIST PRICE $ 12.95 In a comic romp through New York, Mr. Bartelme chronicles the hilarious escapades and misadventures of a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":271,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[218,83,84,100,109],"tags":[175,174],"class_list":["post-5938","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-coolgrove-press-imprint","category-fiction","category-humor","category-kevin-bartelme","category-paperback","tag-nyc-stories","tag-tile-setters","post-design-default"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/coolgrove.com\/books\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/12\/OROURK.jpg?fit=1025%2C1024&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/s9wWvk-orourke","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/coolgrove.com\/books\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5938","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/coolgrove.com\/books\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/coolgrove.com\/books\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/coolgrove.com\/books\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/coolgrove.com\/books\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5938"}],"version-history":[{"count":12,"href":"https:\/\/coolgrove.com\/books\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5938\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":9126,"href":"https:\/\/coolgrove.com\/books\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5938\/revisions\/9126"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/coolgrove.com\/books\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/271"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/coolgrove.com\/books\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5938"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/coolgrove.com\/books\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5938"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/coolgrove.com\/books\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5938"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}